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Is it I Lord

Robbie L. Rogers

When I close my eyes, I see nothing. For most of my life I thought an imagination was simply in your head, in other words no visual effects. I am an artist, a designer of machines, a photographer, and a writer, but I never see pictures in my mind, only void. This is how God made me and I am blessed. Nonetheless, I sometimes pray, God let me see the things I ought, that I may be a better and more complete creative person. Yet He taught me perseverance through it all and I am grateful. Edmond Fitzgerald, a world famous artist, once told me, "I have never seen anyone get in an out of trouble so many times doing one painting, yet it turns out right." Thus I sit in front of blank paper or canvas and nothing is there, my imagination is without my mind seeing. I have designed countless machines and components, in some cases worth millions of dollars, painted hundreds of paintings, taken thousands of photographs, written hundreds of poems, short stories and even novels; I logically worked at them.

When I pray I usually see the same void. Yet, four times while praying I have seen visions. Once I saw Christ saying "I know this man," speaking of me, as at that time I felt so unworthy and often lost. Once I saw my father as he was before he was taken with a severe case of Alzheimer's disease at 38 and I knew my father was finally well. Once, I saw St Andrew’s new sanctuary years before it was first conceived, with praises led by the Holy Spirit, His arms bursting through the roof spilling the praises into the heavens.

Once during the early service I saw a face, a loving kind and gentle face. The person wore a white robe; I guess, I only saw from the shoulders up. I knew this person loved me more than life itself, more than eternity. His hair was thin, shining, like silvery and golden threads, soft but long, almost scraggly though, like a person recently undergoing chemotherapy. This was not a vain person, but a deep caring serving person, joyful in spirit, yes a spirit from God, able to look at me through my sins and thus stand beside me through any circumstance.

I believe I saw a vision of the Holy Spirit. He loves me though I grieved Him so many times in the past. In His face I could see the love He had for me and for all mankind. His smile was completely reassuring and understanding. His skin was clean, fair, and smooth as a youth, but I knew He was older than time itself. I did not weep when I saw Him for I was filled with overwhelming love and happiness. But His eyes were scarred beyond comprehension, as though millions of wounds were inflicted. There were no eyes with which to see, but He saw me just the same, not through some simple imagination that I sought in my prayers. I knew this to be true for I felt Him looking intently at me, not only at me but inside me, knowing me, knowing what was there, the essence, the good and the evil. He knew who I was now and saw me as I shall be at the same time. He was so beautiful and loving that I could only be caught up by His appearance and the peace and joy I felt in His presence.

The Holy Spirit, the part of God, who is able to look upon us as we are at all times, sinful nature and all, loves us even though His very looking at our disobedience and sin cause Him severe pain and suffering. His eyes, though unrecognizable as being capable of seeing, have undergone countless pain from just such seeing. Each scar, so deep and numerous, was caused by us all, our sinful nature.

I believe, just as God came into the world as Christ, He has also come as the Holy Spirit, our helper. Katherine Culman once wept uncontrollably at one of her crusades and could not go on, stopping the remainder of the service. She said there were too many people there who were grieving the Holy Spirit. She could not go on because of the hurt she was feeling, the hurt that was being inflicted on Him. She left to pray, while many of the bewildered people left wondering, "Is it I Lord?"

I did not weep when I saw Him, but I have many times since, it is almost too much to bare, knowing I hurt Him that loves me so. As Katherine Culman said, so say I, "Do not grieve the Holy Spirit." Yet, even as I say this, I too wonder sometimes, "Is it I Lord?"