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Robbie L. Rogers
LOVE is a many faceted emotion, made from ifs, because, and in spite ofís. Love is not spelled lust! Get that out of your head. Inside a loving relationship there is a sexual part, but it is not lust. If you are feeling lust generally speaking back off. Lustful sex leads you down a slippery slope the almost always leads you to sinning big time. Real love leads you into fulfilling one of Godís plans for your life. It is His intentions that all would love as Christ loves the Church. Think about it. Christ never would lust after the Church.
Love is kin to hate, and a brother of like. Love is not mysterious in spite of the popular belief that it is. Love is not blind to faults but rather it is the vehicle for which forgiveness travels. In reality it is based on sound principles of a mutual participatory relationship. In other words you can't love a rock very long, you can only like it a lot. If you confuse "like" with love you might think you love a rock, but if it falls on your toe you might detest it. Unless you receive love in return it is almost impossible to forgive. You begin to detest because it never gave you what you needed in return for what you gave to it. If it did you could begin to forgive the broken relationship.
God loves us IN SPITE OF all that we are. He sees our faults but He sees us beyond them, there is a much deeper level of love that we can't attain. It is through our Father and because of Him that we are able to know true love and therein find understanding. It is impossible to love as God loves. He sees us as we will be and as our potential will make us. He will love us forever even though we do have a bad side He can't stand. We must try to learn to love as Jesus loves us. He sees all of our good and bad and loves us through it all - no matter if we are full of wrong doings He will love us through it all, even to the point of giving His life for that love.
What is love? Is it an abstract mood, a concrete mood, or a stable emotion? How do I love thee, let me count the ways-love, is not an emotion that is based on logic but rather feelings and the action of that feeling when displayed by you or to you from someone who feels a similar emotion.
There is a physical attraction, "Admiration", in the FIRST order of love, it is this precise love that you must spend the most of the time examining in your life. First, she looks great to me, her smile, her laugh, the way she walks, her hair, she's so pretty when she does that, and her hands, they are so soft, and she's warm all over. There is a mental attitude, "Because", in the SECOND emotional order. She's nice, I like to talk to her, she laughs at my jokes, and thinks I'm witty, she understands me, she seems to want to be near me.
So then the first requirement for a development of emotion, with respect to love must be on the "Admiration" level. I have noticed that you do something that attracts my attention. Do I do something to you? If so then we have a possible basis to build on. If not, very little will result other than a distant acquaintance. You see there must be a "Because" element before you can go on to other levels. I seem to love you. I guess it's "Because" you seem to really care for me and you listen to what I say.
The THIRD element is the "Commitment" element; it is by all means the hardest to completely achieve, however it is effectively the most important. Without the "Commitment" element a lasting relationship cannot be established beyond the first two areas. As an example many people in this world are betrothed, without prior knowledge of one another. The bond that develops starts from the "Because" area due to the deep belief in tradition, brought about by the family teachings.
Therefore a form of deep "Commitment" is established along with the ingrained "Because" element, which gives enough emotional levels to begin a relationship. However it is the THIRD element that is carrying the greatest load and if that level of emotion is not backed up quickly by the first two elements a deepening split could occur, which most probably was caused from a failure to "Communicate" feelings, something you need establish, for it may be equal to if not the most important aspect in a continuing relationship.
The FOURTH element I call "If", it is established normally after the other areas have been in play in the relationship. If you take out the garbage I'll love you, which implies if you don't, I won't. This "If" element usually is based on a negative aspect of a relationship, meaning there is an area that is not under discussion, "This is the way I say it is going to be and I mean it". As you continue you will gain new insights which will enable you to discover where you are in your relationships and how to solidify them or at least know how to evaluate them to see if you want to continue on as you have been.
Again I say, the object of any husband/wife relationship should be to become as close to each other as Christ is to God. This is not to say we should become God and Christ but we should try to establish the same constant "Communication".
The FIFTH element, "Forgiveness", the SIXTH element, "Trust", and finally the SEVENTH element is, "Sacrifice". These elements will give you a beginning knowledge of how to form and keep a lasting relationship from the deep infatuated level of admiration to the ever broadening depth of wanting the best for each other even to the extent of personal sacrifices, not as Christ on the cross but as only you and they can live it: taking out the garbage and loving it because it gives us satisfaction in doing for each other in a strongly committed loving relationship.
LOVE IS A NATURAL EMOTION, just as tears come to our eyes when we hurt from a physical pain we hurt as deeply and sometimes deeper with emotional pain. Some people are endowed with a greater depth of emotion than others. Those who weep inside at the sight of a hurt animal or child have a giant step forward in love. You are however born with a level of emotional capacity to love, it is only through environment that this can be expanded, destroyed or reduced. A loving relationship without having a base on which to begin is a difficult thing. You however do not have that hurdle to overcome. Your chosen one might.
Anyone wishing to love and be loved must however make a POSITIVE ACTION towards another person and themselves. There must be a sincere effort to communicate that action to the other person. A DEMONSTRATIVE attitude must be developed, or rather simply show your feelings towards the other person in ways that they might notice and decide that you might care for them. Do not become over solicitous as this can quickly turn away almost any good relationship because it is false. A person in love must show their love or they feel they will burst. They sometimes act like foolish children giggling or taking each other to special places or doing special things. They buy each other special things: I saw this thing and I just had to buy it for you because it just looked like you ought to have it. I just can't seem to pass you without at least touching your hair. I love you and can't seem to find enough words to say it, but I wrote this poem.
Love is doing for each other what you want someone to do for you, unselfishly responding to the natural emotion in a way to demonstrate feelings of love. You must become SINCERE in your dealings with the people you wish to love and be loved by. Without sincerity there can only be falseness and deceit. We often sign sincerely yours at the bottom of our letters but how many of us really demonstrate it to each other. Any person can tell when you are being sincere or not - do not forget this for as I said before falseness will begin to tear down a relationship or it will build a wall between that is difficult to overcome and sometimes impossible to tear down.
LOVE IS DEPENDABLE in all situations real or imagined. These are not simply cliche's but definitely building blocks for a happy and fulfilling life and a loving and understanding relationship: I know above all else I can count on you. You are always there when I need you. I can always count on her to be RESPONSIVE to my needs - even when I don't deserve it. She always understands me. I knew all I had to do was to get to you and it would be all better.
You say she treats you like a doormat, beware! You should be able to take for granted the responsive attitude of your true love. Do not be offended when you are taken for granted for it is a compliment to know that she knows you will always care; it means you are dependable in the relationship and you can be trusted with all of her secrets and you won't laugh at her, but instead you will understand the hurt she feels and will hurt with her.
This is not to say you should take advantage of her because you can always depend on her attitude toward you. It is easy to destroy a beautiful flower by stepping on it. The same holds true for a beautiful relationship. Treat it with the respect it needs to survive the outward forces that will go against it. Things will always happen that attempt to separate and destroy the most congruous relationship.
Love is REFLECTIVE in that it shows to the world how you feel about the one you love. You can not hide true love for it will lift your whole countenance. If you look into the mirror you will see a difference in your appearance, as if you have gotten a new haircut. Love should do the same to your heart and your personality. This it why people frequently are able to tell when you have just "fallen in love".
Love is "SUCCESSFUL", in that it creates an attitude that you feel better about yourself, and you are able to do things better, because your attitude is positive. Any professional will tell you of the difference that is made due to attitude. Love gives you a better outlook on life which will help you become more successful. However love will not make you successful, it will only help enhance your chances to it. We are not talking about sexual affairs, we are talking about good honest fulfilling love, if you haven't tried it don't knock it, but try it, you will see a difference.
Love is "HEALING", any doctor will tell you that a loving person is more healthy. There is something that permeates in a person that is truly in love. True there are many sick persons who are in perfect love, but love is proven to give a more healthy aspect to most people. Love produces a "LONG LIFE", as attested to by many experts, also this is not to say that a dying person need only to find love. We are talking changes in your life, enhanced by loving another person; that is for everyone, not just a few.
Remember that you are just around the corner from true love. You must begin to find out in your heart what it is and what you should expect from the one you are going to find. Love should give you a POSITIVE outlook on life, your career should be enhanced by being loved and loving in return. However don't try to kid yourself into expecting everything in return for your nothing output. Remember you can't love a rock, neither can the one whom you want to love you. Please do not forget this aspect of love. If you gained nothing else but you realize this, you will have learned a lot.
You must begin to realize the potential you have locked up inside of you. You need to LOVE and you need to BE LOVED; the actual essence of who you are, depends upon how well you are able to accept this premise. Love fits all categories of success, this is not to say that it does not also put obstacles into some areas of your life. However if worked through, love provides a fulfilling aspect to all areas of endeavor including, areas of intense career efforts or expanding your creative ability. You can not ignore the HAPPINESS of receiving and showing to your loved ones the accolades of your life. Have you ever felt the disappointment of rushing home to tell someone you love about a great thing that has happened to you, only to find them not at home. If there is no one, the feeling of " Who cares any way," creeps into your life and you begin to suffer the decline from it. Notice a similarity here between the feeling of elation that you feel and disappointment as you were not able to share your happiness? It is this difference that you are going to be gaining in your life. Think about it, isn't it worth training for, "lover-in-training"? Put yourself in a proper perspective to accomplish this feat. Earnestly DESIRE TO GAIN LOVE and you will.
FORGIVENESS, as I said previously, paves the rocky road of love. Do not be misled into believing that love is a fairy tale. "Love means never having to say you are sorry" is a fairy tale thought for true love means you have to or want to say it more often. Love in itself is a natural emotion, but the fulfilling nature of love that you are after is not necessarily natural. Quite the contrary to many who grew up self-centered, egotistical, and generally hard to get along with, it is not natural, or at least is does not seem so. When you have done something wrong, it is hard to ask for forgiveness, it takes developing a taste for it, although for most of us the taste is never very good. In my case I find it the hardest, I seem to equate it to admitting that I was a failure. Not that I am, but it is the admitting to my sweet wife who believes in me to the fullest that, "Honey, I'm sorry, I really was stupid in saying that, will you please forgive me?". Somehow, I seem to feel less of a man, when admitting I am wrong to my wife, in reality I am proving to her I am much more than just a man, I prove to her I LOVE her. You see I get something and she gets something every time, we, one or the other, asks for forgiveness.
This is one of the most important learned traits of character we can develop. God gave His only begotten Son that we might learn this quality. We must accept FORGIVENESS in the manner for which it is given, sometimes it is simply the willingness to forgive that provides the building blocks to rebuild a relationship which has fallen apart. We must try very hard not to say "I'll think about it!" or "You should have thought about that before you did it, not now!". Life is too short to hold grudges against our friends, much less our loved ones. Remember it is through FORGIVENESS that we are closer to God, for it is His best trait too, it also paves our rocky road to RIGHTEOUSNESS, which is in reality LOVE.
Again I say, Love is a many faceted jewel that one seeks to find, then sells all to possess it, to bask in it's beauty? Except, we do not want to possess it, we really want to be a part of it, be immersed in it. We want to become like it is, a thing of beauty that speaks its own song. Love is its own melody, as obviously love songs have tried to capture its essence for all time. "Love is the greatest thing, the oldest but the latest thing", a singer once sang. Truer words were never written, however, if this is true why is it that so many of us are confused about love?
God gave us all an unsatisfied ability to love; yet, we through living in the world and dodging the hurts we have inflicted upon one another often cause a diminishing of this ability. The world says, do it to others before they can do it to you. What do we expect when we adopt this attitude? We have been given an unending supply of love, built within each one of us, and a desire to be loved that equates it! GOD is love and He gave us the gift of loving to the fullest, most all things are to be loved...and especially everybody.
Do you remember when you first realized you loved something or someone? The first hug?...the last hug? Have you lost something in between? Love is not ice-cream and apple pie, love is an emotion based on a participatory relationship. Remember we can only like something that doesn't give us love in return. Surly you can love/like someone until your heart has worn out the welcome of that emotion. There are exceptions to every rule and all rules are often broken in love, however we are speaking of a healthy relationship and generally speaking a one-sided love affair is not.
Love is the part that is dealing with the harsh realities of life, it provides a sort of soothing ointment over the wounds. You can't like someone who deals in your life that way, love is the emotion that transcends those ministration of emotions. Remember these things when you say I love that sweater you have on, you are a person in love training and therefore should say to yourself, no I only admire or like that sweater and I am going to find out what the meaning of love is by an emotional involvement with a real person who can provide my needs when I am up or down, one that will need me as I need them.
Let me say something about a POSITIVE attitude about yourself, if your do not feel good about yourself who will? Many books are written on the subject and if you do have a problem with the mental attitude of feeling positive I recommend reading and listening to the noted authors involved in that area. There is however a certain time in all our lives that we are to feel moody and despondent toward our life, our careers and generally any thing that directs our lives. These are natural times if they are infrequent and do not dominate our lives.
Love is ALL CONCLUSIVE, meaning that it will cover all things after it is established for a length of time. You can not deny love as it saturates your whole being. You can never deny true love, it gushes forth like a wild cat oil strike. You are taken to driving down the street where she lives just in the hope that you may see her, this time you may even stop the car to talk to her.
Obviously there is a deepening aspect of love, just as there is a beginning point of admiration. Love deepens with the mutual respect that we've talked about previously. Trials and tribulations do not drive people out-of-love, it is a lack of understanding that does. Modern man has failed to keep the most fundamental element of civilization established in his life, communication. We fail to reach out to each other in the most basic ways, in friendship, in marriage and in daily life with one another. The diplomat who thinks he knows what the opponent is agreeing too can cause a cataclysmic mistake. So can we in our relationships with the one we love, or want to love. Ask questions.
Television and electronic communication is a blessing and a curse in that it has taken away our ability to listen attentively to those who are really trying to communicate with us. Even if you really try to listen to what is being said to you an error can be made by assuming you know what the other person thinks before you ask the question. Being taken for granted gives many of us severe problems; however, being taken for granted in many ways is the highest complement in a relationship, if we are speaking of trust, and the things that are implied when we say "I trust you".
Love is truly no denying when we develop a loving relationship to the point of real trusting. If you truly love you can never deny giving that same love, no matter the situation. This is not to say a little bit of jealousy may not be wedged in sideways. Jealousy is, simply put, insecurity; we all have it, some more than others. A little bit of jealousy can fit into a lasting relationship but the green-eyed-monster cannot survive or if it does it will destroy what might have grown beautiful. The same holds true for the insecurity, you may have deeply established, this short coming in your life is not something you need to hang onto.
When finally you meet that person, wanting to be near her, laughing at all the silly things she says, feeling like you never want to leave her side, you have grown beyond admiration and attraction. I want to be near you to absorb all of the little things you say and do.
Sickening you say? Don't knock it till you've tried it. I pray all people in their lifetime can find at least one relationship that they can honestly say,"I want to be near you all the time, I count the time as worthless till I can be with you". Earnestly desire this feeling and it will come to pass if you are free to work at it as a runner trains for the race.
Sincere love is the goal we all seek not just a passing fancy that is gone as the wind blows the seasons from view. Are you sincere towards your desire for her? Is your desire based on love or mere satisfying sexual urges. Question your motives, decide for yourself and don't kid yourself or her. Desire is a wonderful sensation, it is a fulfilling feeling that can culminate a deepening relationship or re-establish a broken one. However please examine those impulsive motives they could damage your future chances of finding real love when you have crushed the chances of a good relationship on a stupid moment. In Godís eyes, and even from the statistical viewpoint of successful relationships, marriage should always come first. Almost never should you listen to either the world point of view or emotions of the moment.
Is what you are feeling real love and will it last?
I remember very plainly the first time I saw Margaret. Was it love at first sight, no, yet I saw something and felt something in watching her walk down the hall toward me that I never saw or felt for anyone else. Did my heart race and my palms get sweaty? Yes, but that happened all the time around girls, and even when I had to get up and say something in class. Though this is a signal that your body is telling you, that you are excited, in itself it is not a sign of real love.
How do you know when what you feel for her is real? Some say real love comes in three stages: The 1) "infatuation stage": is the wanting to be around her all the time, yet, that can be the case for your friends too. This stage is when you canít wait to be with her. You are romantically infatuated. Usually this stage only last a short time. However, some mistakenly jump to the conclusion during this stage that this is the "real" thing and plunge headlong into a wrong relationship fraught with pain and suffering, ending in separation and divorce. The 2) "bonding stage" is when more than being just a friend is felt; you can hardly stand being apart. Oftentimes you even plan future events in your life together. It too can mislead you to jump into a false relationship thinking she is your life long companion. Next come the 3) "familiar stage" or where you want to know all there is about her, even why she is happy and sad; what makes her tick? Your whole existence seems to depend on her. You talk about everything and disclose even your most secret thoughts and hopes and dreams. Your life becomes totally involved in hers. Suddenly every plan or thought involves her and you together. You realize you must look at life with long term goals as you and she grow closer, you chose wisely those events that come next.
Is that it? Is that all there is to knowing? Hardly. This is only the beginning of "real love". "Love means you never have to say you are sorry" is so far away from the truth that it is not even a myth. Our secret principle is in having our best interests centered on the other one; and to that of thinking about what you are going to say in a heated moment before you say it as to how the other will perceive it. True love cares about her health and happiness more than you do your own. You and she gives each other unconditional support through thick and thin. When you hold her in your arms both you and her feel safe and secure.
Ways to feel your love is real
You feel good about yourself and her. You donít need to be with other people or be alone; you want to be with her. Quality time is often quiet time. You often feel the need to brag about her, talking about her to others more than about yourself. You know what each other thinks even being able to complete each others sentences occasionally. Still it is okay if you disagree about things, but arguing about them is unimportant and seldom happens. You and she has funny little quirks that donít matter, they only endear her to you. If you are often irritated about such things maybe you need to look closely at the relationship before you leap. With her you are able to work through relationship problems. It is natural to have disagreements yet see them as an opportunity to grow closer rather than apart. If you are creating problems to irritate the other on purpose you need to look at the relationship and yourself more closely.
If you feel you are likely to lose her you probably will. Both you and her need to feel safe in the relationship. You are together because you truly want to be, not held together because of circumstances beyond your control. Donít compare her with others. There are always more beautiful or smarter people yet make sure she sees you for what you are, warts and all, and loves you just the same.
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